Thursday, November 29, 2012

INTERVIEW WITH DEAD KITTY

Well the votes for which kitten I will interview are final.

Dead from Editing, despite my pleas not to vote for the scamp, won with 7.

For those of you who voted for the dead kitten, I need to speak to you privately. Everyone else take a bathroom break.

Are they gone? Good.

Voters of Dead kittens…What is wrong with you guys? 
I’m sending a complaint to your shrinks. And don’t tell me you don’t have one. You just voted for me to interview a dead kitten! You need a shrink. End of discussion.

Lucky for me, I was correct in my suspicion that dead kitty is actually alive and just doesn’t want to do the hard edits to his book. 

But that doesn’t get you off the hook with your shrinks, so start thinking now how you’re going to explain your fetish with dead animals and exactly why it isn’t an early warning sign of the making of a serial killer.

As soon as the other guests returns from their bathroom break I will begin my interview. 

****After an unacceptably long delay the bathroom break ends.****

Welcome. 
As you may or may not know, being an author is not easy. In fact the skills you must acquire to become a successful author are nearly insurmountable. In addition, there are myriad of ways you can blow your prospects.

To help you understand the plight of an author, I located five kitten authors who are struggling in the process. After three days of contentious voting, accusations of faulty ballots preventing some from voting, and  several recounts, the kitten author being interviewed today is


I have to confess, I was a bit worried how I was going to interview a DEAD kitten. However, upon checking for a pulse, I’ve determined that Dead kitten is actually

Source: demonsee.tumblr.com via Liza on Pinterest

So Deadbeat would you like to explain why you are pretending to have died?

***No Response***

As you can see Dead beat is determined to persist in his deadness. At least I think it’s a he. I have trouble telling on kittens.

I anticipated this. So I’ve brought in a gremlin. 

He can get into Dead kitten’s brain and grab his thoughts.

Deadbeat Kitty: Hold on! I don’t want a gremlin in my head!

Liza: Welcome back to life, Deadbeat. Would you like to explain why you’ve pretended to be dead for three days now?

DBK: I’m going to have to rewrite a whole chapter. I switched POV and my editor felt since I wrote chapters 1-12 in the hero’s POV, I should write Chapter 13 in his POV as well.

Liza: Any reason you didn’t do that to begin with?

DBK: I got bored with him. But it turns out he’s more interesting than the heroine, so I returned to him the chapter after.

Liza: Being bored with your hero sounds like a bigger problem than who gets the POV.

DBK: Which is why I’m pretending to be dead.

Liza: I'm confused, how how will that help?

DBK: If my editor thinks I’m dead, she’ll do the changes and fix my book herself, then publish me and because I’m dead, and this will be my only book, it will skyrocket in value and I’ll become a millionaire and a bestseller.

Liza: Deadbeat, or should I rename you Delusional? That is not what’s going to happen. Your editor is going to drop your manuscript into the trash and go on to another kitten who is alive and willing to edit her work.

DBK: Oh...are you sure?

Liza: Pretty sure.

DBK: Then I better get back to fixing my manuscript.

Liza: Hold on. We have an interview to do.

DBK: Now who’s being delusional?

***And off he runs***.

Liza: Well that does it for this interview that never happened. I’m going to interview the runner up,  Marketing Maniac who will do literally anything to get noticed. I’m positive she’ll show for her interview. The imp refuses to get out of my tea cup until she get’s her interview.

Well this is proof positive that persistence pays off. So don’t let a rejection shoot you down. Just keep parking your ass in people’s green tea until you get what you want.

Not literally.

That’ll just get you arrested.






2 comments:

  1. **hang head** I voted for Dead Kitten. I admit it. Great post though, I knew you could pull it off whether Dead Kitten got the spot or not. That rhymed. A lot.

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  2. lol First you stick me with a dead kitty, and then you try to rhyme to death. Thanks for stopping by. (I wrote this last night at 1 a.m. so I wasn't certain whether I was funny or deranged. What's your shrink's email. I need to let them know you're a budding serial killer.

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