Tuesday, October 30, 2012

From Death to a Teen





80 year old Cass Goldman dies and then inexplicably wakens as a troubled 17 yr. old teenager named Casey Davidson. If she tells anyone the truth about who she is, she'll spend her life in a mental institution. Thus, she takes on Casey's life, determined to turn the girl's life around. With 80 years of life experience to assist, how hard could it be?
  
Harder than she ever imagined.

Join 'New Cass' as she discovers just how impossible this turn around is going to be.


VIDEO ONE LINK: http://youtu.be/UK-VcI8weeU
  • Cass looks like a ghoul from a B-Grade horror movie and she has no friends.

VIDEO TWO LINK: http://youtu.be/SdspCcHrOtU
  • She's horribly out of shape. Nor is she able to study because her textbooks no longer have words in it. Seriously, nothing about Casey's life is easy.

VIDEO THREE LINK : http://youtu.be/QnZyv95W50A
  • When she attempts to ask her mother the name of her school it's a complete disaster. And God, don't get her started on the horrid uniforms or the difficult butler.
VIDEO FOUR LINK: http://youtu.be/tnkvm4-ycX0

  • Cass investigates why Old Casey went into a downward spiral. What she discovers is far worse than she imagined and makes her reassess her feelings for her dad.


Coming November 16








Wednesday, October 24, 2012

My Crappy New Life


My main character from Saving Casey has come alive in a series of videos where she complains about her new life as a troubled ├╝ber-rich teen.

Discover what happens when you put an 80-year-old woman into the hormone driven body of a troubled teen named Casey.
or
When you put a middle-class person among the uber-rich.

When Cass originally woke in a teenage body she realized if she declared the truth about who she was, they'd send her straight to a mental ward.  So instead, she decides to turn around Casey's life.
With 80 years of life experience, it should be easy, right?
Ha! Nothing is easy when your body is filled with raging hormones.

Video One: Meet the Ghoul
Cass discovers she looks like a ghoul from a grade B movie.

 Video Two:  Nothing is easy

Cass discovers her body is pathetically out of shape, her textbooks have no words in them, and she's pretty sure her GPA is ZERO.

Saving Casey by Liza O’Connor

Coming November 16th

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Saving Casey Takes the Spotlight


Move over bears, it’s time for Saving Casey to take center stage.


From now ‘til Thanksgiving, I have a feast of entertainment for you.

First on the menu are heartfelt conversations by my character Cass on you-tube.

First, you’ll meet Cass Goldman, the old woman who….

Ouch!
She just smacked me, saying she wants to tell you. Otherwise, why did I make her learn how to do a you-tube video?

It’s not like I MADE her do it. I asked her if she wanted to say goodbye to family or friends before she—

OUCH!
Cass, stop hitting me. For an old lady you’re very strong. Probably from lifting tree branches off the trails.

Anyway, catch this short video soon, because in three days, New Cass, the 17 year old troubled teen will take over.

And she’s pretty tough too.

What I learned from that video…

Ouch!

I’ll wait and tell you when Old Cass can no longer hit me.


Just go watch the old gal’s video. She has something she wants you to hear from her.


Monday, October 15, 2012

Everything You Need to Know About Bears...but were afraid to ask

I'm providing this excellent Bear advice for my dog, since she is inclined to attack bears 20 times her size.

Is that another Liza exaggeration?
No, it's math. She's 30 pounds and the bear she attacked was a 600 pounder. Fortunately, it was a NJ bear, bred for temerity. (If you missed that, go down one blog and find the you-tube video)

If you are surprised that NJ breds timid bears, go down even further.

Can your dog read blogs?
No. She never reads blogs.

However, if you'll read the blog, then when you happen to meet my dog, you can mention something you learned from this blog while giving her a treat.

What are the chances of blog readers running into this bear attacking dog?

She meets about 20 people a day, grab a calculator and do the math. I'm too tired. All I'm saying is that it's possible.

BEAR CLASS BEGINS HERE:

At first you may think my bear advice is just my sense of humor run amuck, but this is authentic advice I received when I attended a bear seminar presented by a young Ranger from Yellowstone Park. Yes, I’ve added my own, possibly humorous, observations to his advice. But this is what me and the young kids learned as we petted bear skins and toyed with claws and bear teeth.

Lesson One: When hiking on a trail, bring a whistle and a giant can of pepper spray. The whistle prevents you from startling a bear.

Liza translates for the kids: Bears evidently hate being startled when they are practicing yoga and will rip your head off for doing so.

If you don't have a whistle, sing very loudly, making up songs as you hike. The basic theme of all songs should be: ‘I have terrible taste; so don’t eat me.’


(Yes, I purposely wrote it incorrectly. I was thinking of my website--which looks like a 5 year old child designed it.)

Classic bear poop joke:

What’s the difference between black bear poop and grizzly poop?

Black bear poop will be filled with huckleberries.

Grizzly poop is filled with whistles and smells of pepper.



Lesson Two: Know your attacker: Grizzly or Black bear?

Quiz: Which bear is brown and which bear is black?

If you answered Grizzly for the brown and Black bear for the black …slap yourself on the head and go back to bear school.

Grizzly bears can be a variety of colors including black, and Black bears come in a variety of colors: brown, black, black with white patterns, and somewhere on the west coast, they are even pure white ones.

Clearly, a non-scientist named the black bear based on the first one they met, which I'm presuming happened to be black.

But I rather wish the bear had eaten the fellow because now things get complicated when the black bear is actually a 'white' black bear. Shouldn't a white black bear be grey?

We need a better word to call the sometimes Black bear. I'm sure
black bears have never referred to themselves as 'black-sometimes'. The bears would have a more accurate name to call themselves: which, if we could speak Bear, would translate to ‘Treeclimbers’ or“Berrylover’. In New Jersey, they probably call themselves ‘garbage eater’ or‘just-leave-me-alone’ bear.

Whereas the Montana Grizzly bear, aka ‘ursus horriblis’ calls itself ‘Always-ready-to-eat-meat’bear...or 'meateater' for short.

Back to the ranger's lecture:


Now the proper way to identify a grizzly from a black bear is by inspecting certain body parts.

No, not that body part!

The grizzly has a bump on the back of its neck and its nose curves up a bit.
Sounds a bit like Quasimodo with a pig snout.

Note: These disfigurements could have probably been fixed if only the grizzlies would restrain from eating their plastic surgeons until after they have their surgeries.

The black bear is less complicated: no bump, very straight nose, and it’s not as long as a grizzly.

Got it? Quasimodo vs. Anushka Shetty.



Lesson Three: Not all methods of identification are worth pursuing and some are downright ill-advised.

If you get really close to the bear, you will notice a black bears claws are not as long, but sharper than a grizzly. That is what enables them to climb a tree.

Grizzlies do not climb trees. They just knock them down. They also rip to shred people who get really close to them trying to observe their dull claws…which turn out to be dull, only when compared to the ‘TreeClimber’s.’



Lesson Four: Proper response to a Grizzly:

If the ‘meateater’ hasn’t seen you, quietly back away. (Try not to pray aloud, as in an hyperventilating“Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!”)

If‘meat eater’ has seen you, hold your arms out as if you are being held up in a robbery, look to the side and stare at ‘meateater’ from the side view. If you have impaired peripheral vision, make peace with God.

When the‘meateater’ charges you--how can it not when you’ve just made yourself into a human goal post?--don’t move until it bitch-slaps you with those four inch, not-so-dull-after-all claws.

Once you are struck, drop to the ground face down with your hands behind your neck.

Note concerning this advice: If you do exactly what was recommended, you will have a broken nose since that is the first body part that will be softening your fall. So I'm planning to modify my fake death spiral and let my hands soften my descension before I send the hands to the back of my neck where I doubt they'll do a bit of good if the bear decides to bite down on my neck. At least I will not have suffered the excruiating pain of a broken nose BEFORE the bear severs my spine at the neck.

Still confused as to what you are supposed to do? Try this urban explanation:

Behave exactly as if the grizzly is an over-adrenaline police officer trying to arrest you after a long car chase. Down on your knees, face on the ground, hands to the back of your neck.

I know, you are thinking I was distracted by the adorable ranger with his blonde hair and blue eyes and cute little dimples that rewarded me every time I said something amusing….

Not true. I was going into bear country ALONE which would make me a prime target to be attacked and mauled, so trust me, I was paying attention.

Here’s the logic to his advice:

Grizzly bears are NOT stupid. If you drop dead BEFORE they strike you, they know they have not killed you and it really pisses them off that you have so little respect for their intelligence as to think they’d fall for such a stupid possum ploy.

In retaliation for the insult, they’ll stand on your back, crushing you with their massive weight and express their outrage in a somewhat lethal manner.

However, if you allow them one strike, and then drop dead, they’ll leave, being very pleased with their mighty self. (Evidently Grizzlies are vain about their ability to kill in a single strike.)

Now in the diagram the cute ranger had on the easel, I noticed that the hiker wore a backpack with a thick bar that protected the back of his head and neck. This bar looks like far greater protection than my whimpy hands would ever be.

Unfortunately, my backpack does not have a bear bar. In fact, my backpack is a rump pack protecting only my rear end. Contrary to common belief, that is not where my brain resides, so absolutely nothing is being protected.


Lesson Five: When camping in bear country, cook your meal at one site and then hike another mile away to set your sleep camp and then trek farther away to hang your boots and all food high in a tree, dangling on a rope.

Question Liza asked cute ranger: Does this mean I’m barefooted when the bear visits me in the middle of the night, and will the bear be pissed because someone has taunted him with food & shoes which he can’t quite reach?

Ranger just laughed and moved on to the next question, so allow me to answer:

Yes, it does/Yes it will. The bear will be angrier than normal, and normally they are looking for a fight. So running or fainting may sound like a really good idea to you.

However, you do not want to insult the intelligence of a food & shoe taunted grizzly. Nor can you run in your barefeet, because bearfeet will follow faster.

So throw you arms up in surrender, turn that cheek, and wait for the bear to strike you before you hit the ground.

Remember:

1)Gently, plant your face in the dirt

2)Cover the back of your neck with your fragile, non-metallic hands.

3)Let us hope you slept with your steel rod neck protector backpack on, if not:

Rest assured your hiking buddy, who refused to take off his shoes and hang them on a tree, is presently running down the trail to safety. With any luck, he’ll let the rangers know where to pick up your remains…if the bear leaves any.

And on that cheery note, we conclude the Welcome to Yellowstone Bear Education Session.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Fox on Steroids attacks Giant Bear


Cass here with great footage of a huge bear at Tourne Park.
I feared I'd soon have great footage of a giant bear killing my dog, but thankfully my theories about NJ bears being the wimps of beardom held true.

The 600 pound bear wanted nothing to with my fox on steroids. Which is good, because Jess was intent upon tying him up with her leash.

Yes, my fear was by the time I got to her, there would be a tangled ball of leash containing one giant bear and one tiny dog. Other than video-taping the debacle, I’m not sure what Jess thought I’d do when I arrived.

I wouldn’t call the police. They’d want to shoot the bear, (and probably hit Jess in the process). And let's be fair, the aggressor was Jess, not the bear. The bear doesn’t have an aggressive bone in its body. This is the second time Jess has encountered the fellow, and I’m sorry to say, Jess behaved badly the last time as well. Only on our first encounter, I didn’t have a camera, so I held tight to tiny Rambo as she mouthed off to the bear 30 yards away while I etched the beautiful bear into my brain.
I had feared some hunter had killed the might fellow when last year, Gov’nor Pudgy opened up our NJ woods to lunatics with guns for a week of what I called 'terror hiking' and men with guns called 'Bear Hunting Season'.

So I was happy to see the handsome fellow looking rather like Gov’nor Pudgy (plump) but I was not happy seeing my dog tearing after him. I always suspected her bravado with bears was all show, knowing I would hold firm to the leash. However, today, I was trying to video, so I held her leash handle between my knees.

When she hit the end of her leash, my knees gave up her leash handle in a second. What shocked me as I continued to video is what she did next. There was not bravado. She was on a suicide mission. The bear tried to hide behind some trees and Jess runs at his face.

At this point I say something like “oh God…I’m going to video Jessie’s death. That is a big F….n bear.”  Thus I had to kill the sound in that part of the video.

Then the bear rushed from it hiding place  right at Jess. I thought she was a goner, but he passed to her right and hurries off.  I lose sight of Jess, but I spot the bear and decide he’s more interesting. (I’m thinking Jess is wrapped around a tree somewhere, and I can find her later. However, I have a chance to get a good shot of this fabulously large beautiful furry male.) 

I can hear you yelling at me for being a bad dog owner. I was quite certain Jess was fine. She would have yelped if the bear had killed her.
So I go after the bear, getting some good shots of him, despite the fog. When I lose sight of him in the trees, I head back to look for Jess. And out she comes, feisty and looking for the bear, which sadly has come out of the forest. So off she goes again, with me yelling after her. The bear hurries back into the woods. And Jess follows.

I do not move as fast as dogs and bears, but I trail behind them. Not too thrilled with this whole ‘let’s chase the giant bear’ thing we have going on. The terrain is dangerous, so I have to watch my feet when moving, which means if the bear loops around, I won’t see him until his feet are in my ground-focused vision.

I stop on occasion to try to find the bear and lunatic dog. Through the trees, I can see the huge bear leaving the woods and crossing the road to the other side. When Jess doesn’t follow, I figure she is tied up somewhere between my location and where the bear exited the woods. So I attempt to trek a straight line to that point.

Ha! Drunken sailors have straighter treks. Now I know why the wild animals prefer to use the trails. The dead limbs from last year’s early snow storm, the rocks hidden beneath the leaves, and the tangles of thorny barberry bushes make moving through this area nearly impossible.
Finally, I came upon Jess contained by her leash, which is wrapped around two small trees three times. While she had barked once up to this point, now that I’ve arrived, she pulls at her leash and barks angrily at the departing bear.

Took me three minutes to untangle her leash and get out of the woods and make our way back to the trail entrance, all the while, Jess is pulling to go in the direction of the bear.

She could not forget that bear. Every time during our hike that we came to a junction, she wanted to go on whichever path aimed the closest to North.

People always say dogs don’t remember beyond a moment. However, she remembered that bear for two hours.

And for ONCE, I have video!
  Part 2 has some very pretty views.

Monday, October 1, 2012

Old Cass and Jess Hikes Silas Condict NJ


It’s Casey again. Hacking into for another guest blog. Fortunately, no one else wants to guest blog here. Did you see what happened to Nikki Prince when she came on to talk about her latest book? Go down two blogs and check it out if you happened to miss Liza's interview from hell.

Anyway, I got a couple of negative feedbacks on the prior video, so this time I’m not fixing the jiggling. I mean let’s face it: People jiggle when they walk. If they seem to be floating smoothly while the frame jiggles, it just seems freaky.

Secondly, I’m now letting Jess (the dog) make comments about Cass’ ridiculous comments.

Oh, and I’ve edited Cass’ endless chatter. Thus, I expect more people to like this video.  Silas Condict is really a beautiful place. I recommend everyone to hike it.

And give me more feedback. Eventually, if you give me enough comments, these might become great entertainment.

This is part one of a two part video

And this is part two