Author W. T. Fallon, author of the political satire Fail to the Chief, sits down to interview two of her characters, Ronald Chump and Bryan Seafoam. Unlike any real politician, Chump is a billionaire bidding for the presidency. Well, first he tries to direct-purchase the White House. When that doesn't work out, he tries to sue the U.S. government, claiming he's paid more in taxes than the White House is worth so he technically owns it. Shockingly he doesn't get very far with that, so he opts to run for president. Since the presidential election is now decided by a reality show, Chump becomes a contestant on American President, hosted by Bryan Seafoam.
W. T. Fallon: Mr. Seafoam, thanks for talking with me today.
Bryan Seafoam: It's nice to be on this end of an interview, for a change.
WTF: I'm sure it's a stressful job. Tell me, what is it like hosting the first-ever reality show to elect an American president? How is it different from hosting your previous show, Sing Your Heart Out?
BS: Well, on one show you have diva moments, contestants crying and screaming and getting hysterical when they're voted off, other contestants getting in petty, childish squabbles over nothing, people storming off the set or throwing tantrums, contestants whose heads are so big I don't know how they fit through the door. The other show is just a singing competition.
WTF: What do you say to critics of this new electoral system?
BS: We have gotten some backlash from the public. Some people don't think a reality show is the right way to elect a president. But the truth is, more people vote for reality shows than vote for a president. With this new format, we can change all that—no driving to the polls, waiting in line, having to dig out your ID. You can vote right from your couch, just like you would for any other reality show—and don't worry about hackers or security. The NSA is monitoring voting very closely on this one. No one will get to vote more than once.
WTF: What are some of the other difficulties you face on the show?
BS: Well, it can be a challenge. My producers want me to be impartial, but ask tough questions. But if I ask tough questions, viewers think I'm being mean to their favorite candidates. It's an amazing opportunity, though, and something I've always wanted to do.
WTF: Host a reality show?
BS: I enjoyed my time on Sing Your Heart Out, but actually my dream was to be a journalist covering political stories on a national level. In fact, I worked as a reporter at a small TV station in Oklahoma prior to my career hosting reality shows.
WTF: I understand that's where you met Joanne Jameson, who is currently one of the reporters on American President and also, I hear, a romantic interest of yours?
BS: Please, let's keep the focus where it should be during an election—on the candidates' sex lives, not mine. Did you hear about Congressman Brumley?
WTF: Yes, I did see the footage of him in quite a compromising position.
BS: That's an understatement.
WTF: But he was cheating on more than just his wife, wasn't he? Isn't it true he rigged the Candidate Cams, which follow the contestants 24/7, to make it look like he was sleeping peacefully when he was actually doing something else in his bedroom?
BS: He tried and failed, because, like I said, the NSA won't stand for any tampering with this election. Joanne and I alerted them when we received a tip, and then we went to check on the candidates—including Congressman Brumley. The NSA found no evidence that anyone else successfully cheated.
WTF: Where do you see yourself next year at this time, after the election?
BS: Well, I'd like to take a nice, long vacation after the show is over. But eventually, I'd like to get back to my work as a journalist, on a national level this time.
WTF: Thank you for your time, Mr. Seafoam. I'll now turn my attention to contestant Ronald Chump—and here he comes now. Mr. Chump, thank you for talking with me today.
Ronald Chump: My pleasure. I'm always happy to tell the American people about my plans to make America awesome again.
WTF: Why don't you tell us why you deserve to be the next American President?
RC: Obviously, I'm the candidate with the biggest hands and the biggest bank account.
WTF: Clearly those are important qualities in a president, but what do you plan to do to fix our economy?
RC: First, I'll create jobs by turning the White House into a hotel and casino. Tourism in Washington will be booming!
WTF: What about the rest of the country?
RC: There will be lots more jobs everywhere after I build my moat along the U.S./Mexican border and streamline the immigration process.
WTF: Tell us more about how you plan to do that.
RC: I've devised a new citizenship test for people who want VISAs. First, we ask for the applicant's age and gender. Female applicants between the ages of 18 and 29 should include a photo on their immigration application. They'll also be asked to check a box to indicate whether or not they would like to be considered to be the next Mrs. Chump.
WTF: Does that mean you're planning to divorce the current Mrs. Chump?
RC: Well, we've been together almost five years. I'm overdue for an upgrade.
WTF: I see. And what citizenship test will you give male applicants?
RC: Male applicants will be asked for the size of their hands and investment portfolio.
WTF: What do you say to critics who don't think this is a sound way to determine who gets a green card?
RC: Not everyone can be as smart, rich, and able to understand a brilliant plan as I am.
WTF: What else do you plan to do to, in your own words, make America awesome again?
RC: Well, I'm going to fix the economy by printing more money.
WTF: How does that fix the economy?
RC: Obviously, my face will be on every bill we print. People everywhere know the Chump name stands for luxury and quality. Our dollars will never be devalued again.
WTF: Ah, Mr. Chump, I don't think that's how that works—
RC: Ridiculous! Of course it is. And another thing, I'm going to rewrite the First Amendment so journalists like you and that Seafoam scumbag can't write hit pieces on me.
WTF: This is a Q&A session. You're being quoted directly.
RC: Obviously a smear campaign. You'll be hearing from my lawyers.
WTF: Did you want to finish answering my question about job creation first?
RC: I do, in fact, have a plan to keep our jobs from going overseas. Not jobs for whiners who want a free handout, but jobs for people who actually want to work. In order to do this, I will get rid of the Unemployment Department and replace it with my new reality show, The Unpaid Intern. Anyone can audition for the show, and those who make it through our rigorous selection process will compete for unpaid internships at some of America's top companies.
WTF: How does that create paying jobs?
RC: I'm glad you asked. You see, companies outsource jobs to other countries when they can pay workers less overseas.
WTF: Like Chump Enterprises often does?
RC: See, a smear campaign. But anyway, we can keep jobs in this country by outsourcing them to unpaid interns instead of people in other countries.
WTF: Uh, but you're not creating any paying jobs for Americans with that plan.
RC: Sure I am. Those interns aren't going to know what they're doing. Just think of all the tech support people we'll need to help them. See? Lots of new jobs in America.
Wow! That was some interview.
Fail to the Chief
After years of emceeing insipid singing competitions, TV personality Bryan Seafoam can't wait to host "American President," the world's first reality show to elect a president of the United States. Finally, an opportunity to be a real journalist, digging up dirt and playing hardball with the top ten candidates.
But it doesn't take long for the contestants to start slinging mud at Bryan - literally, when billionaire candidate Ronald Chump is challenged to dig his proposed moat along the Mexican-American border himself. Forced to work in a fast food restaurant, an anti-minimum-wage-hike candidate learns his coworkers are struggling to survive with multiple jobs and claims to have solved the unemployment problem in his state-leaving Bryan to duck ketchup bombs from customers. To make matters worse, Bryan's producer pressures him to be nicer to the candidates, and his former crush, now an experienced political correspondent, shows up-and shows him up at every turn.
When a cheating scandal rocks the show, Bryan begins to suspect it's just the tip of a very underhanded iceberg. Will trying to expose a plot to wreck the most hysterical, er, historic election in history cost Bryan his career-and his personal life?
Satire at its best!
Never has an election of a President cried out more for Satire and Lunacy than the one coming up.
Check out the massive number of liars, idiots, and clearly unqualified dopes who try out for The Next American President.
Yep, the carnival style of our actual run for President has been immortalized into a Game show competition. Honestly, the historical documentation of our actual election year will be considered far more over the top and strange than this book, but the satire election in this book is far funnier.
As in all game shows, the candidates are required to perform jobs they would never do in normal life. But when they work at a burger place, the customers tend to yell at them for their lousy votes when they were a congressman.
While I won’t share much of the plot, what we do learn is American people aren’t really happy with any of their leaders, especially not Congress, yet for some reason, we only focus on the president, instead of the group with the most power. (Wow, that’s the same problem we have in real life.)
I found this satire witty and accurate about many bad behaviors from our elected, and the new impact of social networking sites to our elections.
And you should be worried when Congress holds the people and even the president hostage if they don’t like something. It threatens our democracy as a whole…and that is NOT funny.
W. T. Fallon Bio
W. T. Fallon believes if you can’t say something nice, you should say something funny and totally true. She has few marketable skills, but is highly talented in the areas of sarcasm, satire, and snark. For the past several years, she has written for the local Gridiron Show, and this year she started a blog called Sharable Sarcasm. The 2016 election provided so many opportunities for humor that she decided to write her first novel, a political satire called Fail to the Chief, which will be released October 7. She was recently published on The Satirist, and will start writing for Humor Outcasts in September of 2016.